


Loved and lost

by RocioWrites



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Sibling Incest, Twincest, onesided HikaHaru, onesided HikaKao, tamaharu implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-04-18
Packaged: 2018-03-23 15:00:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3772627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RocioWrites/pseuds/RocioWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And last night… last night was it. The beginning and the end. The beginning of the end. Kaoru couldn’t come up with a way of explaining what last night meant. Except that it felt like something started and ended then.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loved and lost

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, I was making a back up of my stuff and found this fic I don’t remember writing? I don’t know, man.
> 
> And just like Drop Out, it’s inspired by A Softer World. But unlike Drop Out, this one is really angsty.

**442**

*

He breathed in slowly, sinking into the cushioned mattress, silently waiting for his brother to wake up.

It was a beautiful day outside, the wind was soft and warm and the birds were singing everywhere, loudly chirping. Kaoru thought that such a nice weather was unfair; a sky full of gray clouds and rain slapping the ground with force, wind awfully strong would suit him better.

But no. Because the weather wasn’t supposed to match his mood. Everything else in the world didn’t have a reason to join him in his sadness.

It started last night. Or maybe it didn’t, and it all started even before, when Haruhi won the Which One’s Hikaru Game. Or even before that, when Souh Tamaki ripped their protective fabric apart and reached inside their walls to pull them out. They didn’t go out that time, not fully. But Haruhi burst the bubble completely, undeniably, stripping them of something so fundamental to them ( _to him_ ) that now it simply _hurt_.

And last night… last night was it. The beginning and the end. The beginning of the end. Kaoru couldn’t come up with a way of explaining what last night meant. Except that it felt like something started and ended then.

 _“She said she will miss him.”_ Hikaru had said with the weight that a murder confession should carry. It was perhaps that Hikaru’s hope had died when Haruhi proclaimed she would miss Tamaki so much, with such an unadulterated love. And the desperation in his tone made it so hard for Kaoru to let Hikaru’s hand go, he squeezed tighter and nodded, smiling sadly to his brother, guiding them to the bed, offering his whole body for comfort.

Hikaru didn’t doubt it and he pressed them together, mashing two bodies that should have been one in an undistinguishable tangle of limbs. Lips sought lips, skin, warmth, flesh. Hands roamed freely and Kaoru allowed it – he enjoyed it even. He moaned and cried out and pressed back, responding, comforting, swallowing and bottling everything up inside.

He wasn’t Haruhi, they both knew it. And yet, Kaoru wasn’t as affected by it as his brother wanted to believe. It hurt, it stung. It wasn’t planned, no, since nothing was planned, they were simply in synch, always ready for the cue the other was about to give. However, it wasn’t unexpected. Kaoru expected it, welcomed it. Let it burn him from the inside out, printing every corner of his body, marking what wasn’t Hikaru’s but wasn’t his either.

 _“Aren’t we enough?”_ Hikaru had asked and Kaoru didn’t have an answer. Couldn’t answer with his brother deep inside him, moving, grunting. _Thinking of Haruhi_.

It did more than hurt.

And it meant the beginning of Hikaru’s mourning and the end of Kaoru’s peace of mind. It was too much too soon, he wasn’t ready for it the way he thought he was. It was the beginning of the end for them, for the bond that would soon shatter to turn into a new silky ribbon, half pink and half blue, that would keep them tied together but would allow them to stay apart.

 _Am I not enough?_ Kaoru bitterly thought, sprawled on the bed, his brother on top of him, moving and bringing them the kind of bittersweet pleasure that turned the orgasm into nothing else than dull aching satisfaction.

It didn’t physically hurt, but the emotional pain was unbearable. He welcomed it all the same though, he welcomed everything because he was the one letting Hikaru break him. He wanted to be broken, he wanted to _feel it_ at least once more.

That’s why last night sentenced the end of it all. Hikaru would move on, the comforting one night stand meaning nothing more than what a hug would mean between other siblings. And this ( _he_ ) would be forgotten, buried behind all his memories with Haruhi. He would need to move on too, leave this hurt and vapid hope in the past.

His lips moved to an empty smile, traces of the loving smile he truly wanted to show still present.

The sun was shining through the curtains of the room, drawing a light halo around Hikaru’s head and now dark hair. Kaoru wanted to hug the other and cry his eyes out, bawl like a small child, like he never did before since he didn’t have a reason before.

Kaoru nodded foolishly to himself, fake smile in place, and opened his mouth, ready to say something to wake his brother up. However, he only hiccupped before starting to sob in earnest, fat hot tears falling from his eyes, rolling down his cheek and stinging salty against his tongue.

Too much. He couldn’t handle it anymore.

Strong arms hugged him, pressing his face to a chest. Kaoru cried there, the ups and downs of a calm breathing pattern lulled him to a sleepy trance.

The other shushed him, a hand rubbing circles on his lower back, and patiently waited for him to stop the crying. He kept hiccupping, gulping air greedily from time to time. Kaoru felt all the weight in the world bringing his shoulders down, crushing his lungs; his eyes hurt and he was such a mess, hair ruffled and a headache threatening to swell his brain to death. Hikaru said sweet nothings to his ear, calmed him like a mother would do to his child.

Kaoru tried to speak, to explain himself, to confess his undying love for his twin because _he_ was there, so real and warm – and not Haruhi. He tried to demand his body to stop shaking. He tried to lie through his teeth and convince not only the other but himself that things were alright.

But they weren’t. He wasn’t alright.

“What’s the matter?” Hikaru prompted once the crying subsided.

But how was he supposed to tell him? How was he supposed to explain all that he was feeling?

“I…” Kaoru started, voice hoarse. And he buried his face in his brother’s neck.

He swallowed against the lump in his throat, ready to keep crying some more but refrained from doing so because Hikaru’s nostalgic smile was inviting him to never give up.

“You can tell me anything, you do know that, right?”

Yes, yes he knew. Nonetheless, all the words died down before being uttered and Kaoru didn’t know if he wanted to cry or laugh at this.

“It’s over.” He managed to whisper, muffled by Hikaru’s skin. The other one nodded slowly as to not startle him and stayed silent for a moment longer, giving him time to continue talking. He wanted to, he just didn’t know how to express everything that was inside of him. “Us. It’s over.”

“Of course not.” Hikaru commented easily despite the fact that the younger twin could hear him scowling.

“Haruhi.” He said, resolution and finality in the name.

Really, it wasn’t Haruhi per se. It was what she meant to them ( _to Hikaru_ ). It was the ending of a phase, of a world only for two that now should contain more – or they would have to break up and create their own lonely worlds. It was the love that never was just platonic or just an act. It was the hurt that resided inside Kaoru and burned him like two thousand suns exploding, vibrant and hot, scorching everything in sight, every memory, every last hope. It was the momentum, the self-awareness recently woken up in Hikaru. It was the way Kaoru was always second in line, always behind someone else – behind Hikaru, behind Haruhi, behind Tamaki, behind someone else, always.

It was all and none of the above.

It was that Kaoru couldn’t handle it anymore, didn’t know how to handle it anymore.

It was the resignation and lost and the dying part of his soul that cried for his brother’s sole attention.

It was that without Hikaru’s whole support, Kaoru didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t have anything if he didn’t have Hikaru – and he _couldn’t have_ Hikaru, he couldn’t be so selfish.

“What?”

“She basically rejected you.” He thought out loud and shivered at the plain memory of having Hikaru inside him while he was missing Haruhi who was missing Tamaki.

“So?” Hikaru said, clearly waiting for something more. Clearly knowing there was more.

“I thought we could— _I_ could do it.” He mumbled and pressed harder against Hikaru’s neck. The rubbing never stopped and that helped him to stay grounded. “But I can’t. I can’t do this to myself.” A dry, hollow laugh bubbled up from his throat and he shook with it, groaning at the headache already formed. “I wanted to comfort you, I’ve always wanted to do that, to be there for you. I love Haruhi but I can’t deny that it hurts us, it hurts me she prefers Tamaki over my own brother.” He kept babbling. “All I want is for you to be happy and yesterday… You sounded so sad, so… so—broken. Disheartened. I just wanted…” There was a necessary pause and Kaoru recovered his breath. “We can’t do this anymore.” He finally got around to say.

And Hikaru’s whole body stiffened. “What?!” Hikaru snapped and Kaoru choked on his own saliva at the dark tone. “How can you decide it’s over for us all by yourself?!”Arms made sure to put Kaoru at a safe distance to be glared at. “And what the fuck does our intimate life have to do with Haruhi anyway?!”

“It’s not okay. It won’t be.” _Because it wasn’t about the sex or the comfort for me, it was about love._

“You can’t just decide it on your own!”

Kaoru trembled, not once had Hikaru ever looked at him like that, with such intensity and pure, unadulterated rage and disappointment.

“I just did.” He told his brother, new shy tears at the corner of his eyes.

Hikaru was seething, venomously staring him down, hands gripping his shoulder too tight to be loving anymore. However, he didn’t complain, he didn’t want to, he drank in all the emotions and little details for this had to be the last time indulging himself in the pleasure of wanting his brother so unrestrictedly.

And what did he want now? He hadn’t thought so far ahead and the splitting headache was proving he couldn’t think anymore.

“No.” Hikaru refused.

Kaoru’s eyes widened; tired and red from the crying, his eyes showed the surprise he felt. He shook his head, body limp and lax. He didn’t know anymore.

“I can’t handle it anymore.” He breathed out, a mere puff of air. “Yes, I decided this was over all on my own. But just one of us deciding against it should be enough to be done with it.”

Hikaru laughed a dull, dark and dry scoff.

“Whatever you say, _little brother_.” He spat and Kaoru trembled again.

“Yeah…” Kaoru brokenly moaned, tears falling once again.

Hikaru laughed again, a newly-found force in his voice. “You are quite a minx, Kaoru.” He praised like it was an accomplishment, like Kaoru had won something instead of uncovering a recent wound that hadn’t healed. “That’s how things are now, huh?” Kaoru felt the finger-shaped bruises forming on his shoulders, Hikaru had his knuckles white due to the pressure. “It’s simply over, right?” Kaoru gulped, disbelieving, but nodded nonetheless. “So you’re abandoning me just like Haruhi, is that it?”

Kaoru felt the scream trapped inside his throat, achingly real and demanding. This new fit of crying was quiet and pitiful. He wasn’t crying for himself but for the love he had felt for so long (he still felt), a love that was equally strong, a love that was practically reciprocated, not in the exact same way though. He felt his heart twist in pain and he sobbed for air, trying to hide his face in Hikaru’s neck once more.

And Hikaru moved away as if Kaoru was made of hot lava, finally removing his hands. No. _No no no_.

“Hikaru.” He heard himself exclaiming, flailing wildly like a wounded animal. That was exactly what he was. “I can’t.” He continued. And all coherent thought in his head was washed away by a feeling of dread that paralyzed him.

Was it a panic attack? A heart attack? Was he dying from feeling too much?

“You will be okay.” Hikaru stated in the most unobstructive and detached tone he could muster.

“Yeah…” He repeated and unable to process anything further, he got out of bed.

Shaky steps took him to the bathroom connected to their bedroom.

His headache got worse, and he cried out at the stabbing pain in his temples, eyes red and swollen. He was still shivering; he didn’t know how to handle things anymore, not with himself and not with his brother. It was an eternity until he could take a deep breath but he did and fixed his eyes on his reflection, mirror impeccable and the image on the other side looked so sad.

“It’s simply over, right?” Kaoru asked and moved to the corner, sliding against the cold tiled wall until his knees were pulled to his chest. “Yeah… And I will be okay…”

*

Better to have loved and lost  
than to wake up  
next to you every day.  
[[Only love can break your heart](http://asofterworld.com/index.php?id=442).]


End file.
